feel the fear and um...

I have this book on my bookshelf entitled "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway." I've read parts of it when I needed to, never really finished it. Mostly I love the title, because it says everything. I figure the author could have just started and ended with the title, left out the pages in the middle.

I've had a tough week, but not that tough. I got my training schedule on Monday, and it said:

Saturday: 20mi Ride, 13mi Run.

I've had that staring me in the face all week. I've been chewing on it all week, thinking about how it will go. Breaking it down in my head. Feeling the fear.

Nothing else in the week was of any major consequence, but the Saturday thing has been looming. I did my Tuesday ride and swim, my Wednesday Flog By Coach, my Thursday jaunt up La Luz. No big deal, I've done these before. I even had Friday off to recover for my

Saturday: 20mi ride, 13mi run.

I didn't bother asking if anyone else wanted to come along, I knew I would have to tackle this alone. I was not looking forward to this.

I was pokey getting out of bed this morning. I hit the snooze button, even though I was awake. I spent 2 hours getting ready, getting my fluids together, my bike, my stuff.

I went down to the parking area of the Bosque trail and parked the car. I spent forever fiddling with the bike before I got on and just went.

Of course the 20 mile ride was a piece of cake: 1:19 for 20 mi.

I got back to the car and put my bike way.

13 mile run.

13 mile run.

I set up a similar thing to last week's run and brought a big cooler. I put 32oz of water, 32oz of Cytomax, extra little bottles of water, and whatever I didn't drink off the bike into the big cooler and left it in the car. The car would be my aid station.

I decided I would do 2 loops: 1 of 3.5 miles out and back (7mi). Refuel at the car, then go out for a second loop of 3 mi out and back (6mi). I would bring my Nathan hydration belt (which holds 20oz) and re-fill it for my second loop. I would do a gel at the end of each out and back, about every 3 miles. I took E-caps before I headed out on my first loop.

First 3 miles felt like crap, as they seem to do lately. I had stomach cramps that wouldn't stop. I was thirsty the whole way. I finished my bottles before I finished my last mile. 20oz in a hydration belt is seriously not enough. It was hot, and the trail was very exposed.

I got back to the car and got the water out of the cooler and without thinking about it drank 16 oz in one go. Hm, it seems I'm a little thirsty here. Gosh, only 7 miles done and I'm ready to go home. No, seriously. I AM ready to go home. Tired, hot, sweaty. I felt like I had not enough of anything left in the tank.

I decided to loiter at the toilet for a bit, see if that maybe helped. It did. I took 3 more e-caps and another gel, re-filled my water bottles and headed out - against the wishes of my inner self.

My inner self complained loudly over the i-pod. Why did you have to go back out? We could just go home you know.

Because I had tanked up too much in the heat, my stomach started sloshing and a new set of stomach cramps began. This would not suck so much if those cramps would go away. After about a mile, they stopped. Finally. At about mile 8 I started to feel normal. That's good to know, I can really pick it up at miles 5 and 8.

At about mile 9, I was ready to die. Oh God. Please let this run end. No seriously. Can I go home now? This stopped being fun awhile ago. I'm ready to go home.

Can we at least sit down?

I started making deals with myself. I'll just run to that bush. Then I'll walk for a little bit. Then I started backing out of my own deals. I can't make it to that bush, I'm going to stop now. I made more deals that stuck. You get a cherry limeaid and an ice bath after this. But you have to finish. There is cold water in the car. Cold. Water. It's only 3 miles away.

If I hadn't forced myself into an out and back, I don't think I would have finished. Even for the last mile I had to stop to walk twice. 20 ounces? Are you kidding me? I need like 400 to get to the next mile.

Total time: 2:41. Ouch.

The car thermometer said it was 97 degrees. Do you think maybe that's why it was so hard? So then I went to Sonic and bought myself that giant Cherry Limeaid.

Then I came home and filled the tub with the coldest water I could run out of the tap. I went to the freezer and pulled out the icemaker box. You know how the ice tray always fills because there's usually an iceberg in there made up of a solid mass of cubes? I put that iceberg into my bath. Then I sat in that bath for as long as I could tolerate it, about 10 minutes. I think I probably brought up the bath temperature a good 5 to 10 degrees.

I looked at my toes. I had a toe that had turned kind of blue last weekend, and now it's black. A little while ago, it sprung a leak and now it's bleeding. That's a good sign, I suppose.

I told my beloved husband what was going on in my head. I said, have you ever had a run where all you really wanted was to just pack up and go home? I had that run today.

He said, that was Show Low for him.

Oh. Shit.

He said he came in from the 7mi loop (which ends at the race start/finish) and yeah, he would have loved to just turn around and come in - but another 6 miles were waiting. Waiting.

He said on the plus side, that's as bad as it gets.

Oh. Shit.

I am shitting myself about next weekend. If today was any easier than what I'm going to experience out there, I feel like I'm in big trouble.