you can wear this with jeans

So. The Russian Fashion Lady Shopping Experience. I met her on a Tuesday afternoon, which seemed like a really really good idea. Mostly because I do enjoy shopping with just me. I didn't even mind leaving work for an afternoon of shopping. I was, however, struggling with a cold - and I knew this shopping trip might just put me under (which it did...because it was an endurance event all on its own).

We went to Dillard's. I can't say I'm a huge fan of Dillard's - there is so much going on in that store, there are departments for everything and none of them make sense to me. Men's department I understand, but Better Sportswear? Women's World? Images? None of these terms mean anything to me. It's an entire fashion universe packed into one, marble-floored palace. It's overwhelming, and the salespeople ignore you. In a store like Dillard's, you need an image consultant to figure out what they have.

But they have the best shoe department in the world, so it's OK.

Larisa (yes, she has a name) pre-shopped for me, and had clothes waiting in a couple of departments. First up: BCBG.

I'm no stranger to fashion, I lived in Europe, I've shopped in some really fantastic international airports. I like BCBG, though I hadn't thought to try any of their stuff on in years. It seemed like part of my youth which I should leave in the past. She put some things in a dressing room and bade me try them on, which I dutifully did.

My first impression: what the hell is this? She put me in skirts, cropped jackets, cropped shorts, silky tops, empire waistlines, capris, sweaters, more sweaters, etc. I was confused. With each outfit I looked at myself and thought, I dunno. I don't get it. She looked at me and said, you look great!

I do? How?

Oy. This is not going well.

I kept trying things on, and kept feeling tepid. I started to worry: was it my cold? Was it me? Was it her? Did she have an agenda? Was I too tired?

And then, just as we were about to go to another department, I started to see things that intrigued me, but I wasn't sure if they were "right" for me. That looks too bold. I'm not sure about that color.

Well, I thought, I'm shopping with an expert, I'll ask her.

So I did. What about this? Is this my color? What do you think of this? And we started to pick out new things.

The point of shopping with an image consultant is not necessarily to get things that she (or my mother) wants me to wear, but finding things that I like that work on me. Find a me that looks good, that works, that I like showing off. It took a while for me to figure this out.

After we found a few things at BCBG, we went off to some other department.

Larisa brought me piles of sweaters to try on. Nice jeans. Good looking trousers. Nice tops. Dressy stuff that wasn't overtly dressy. Things I could wear with jeans, but that didn't look like I was dressed down. I obligingly tried it all on. Some things were immediately identified as "me" and others I wasn't so sure about. It was there that I got to know Michael Kors. Oh Michael, you do wonderful things for my butt - how does a gay white man know so much about my butt?

Larisa brought me a zebra trench coat with a red satin lining. She said, What do you think of this?

I said uh, I dunno. I think my blood sugar was low. I had tried on about four bajillion outfits. Nexx. BCBG. Kors. Kenzie. Melani. My head was swimming.

She said, bluntly, I love it.

I tried it on. What in the hell will I wear a zebra trench coat with?

It was about this time my husband texted me to ask how it was going -- and I sent him this picture. I was tired.

Zebra? Seriously?

I put the coat on hold.

On the way out of the department I kept finding things and asking questions: do you think I can get away with this? What can I put with this? Do you think this is my color? What can I dress this up with? What can I dress this down with? What about shoes? A sales gal on commission might blow smoke up your a$$ to make a sale, but the fashion lady tells it like it is. She was great - and had an honest answer for everything: you can wear this with this, this and this. This looks cheap. I like this. I don't like this. That's a terrible cut. This is a good color for you. This is too expensive for what it is.

I was starting to see a pattern, and she was right about everything.

Another cool thing about shopping with Russian Fashion Lady is that the salespeople know her and they pay attention to her. They know that you're not there to try on 86 prom dresses and leave them all behind in a heap - they know you are serious about your shopping. They know you are there to spend money, they treat you well.

I purchased a number of things, then we went to the shoe department. I'm a natural shoe whore, I was in my element.

I instantly fell in love with a pair of heels by Born. Not only do Born now make shoes that don't look like lesbian shoes, they make them more comfortable than the average pair of heels. Love at first sight. Normally, I would talk myself out of a purchase like that almost immediately and move on to something practical. These are heels, and they are silver. They're not black, they're not brown. What the hell is silver going to go with? And this is where Larisa leapt in and told me what I could make these work with. You can wear these with this that you bought, and this that you own, and this, and this and...

crap. she's right.

She also insisted on a pair of ankle boots, which she was also totally right about.

I left the store, 7 hours later and not too much poorer. Dillard's was having a massive sale, and nearly everything I bought was heavily marked down. My head was buzzing. I was ill.

I went home and showed my husband. He dutifully nodded his head and said good for you honey, now go to bed.

I was supposed to sleep after that, but couldn't. The experience had charged my brain. I was putting outfits together in my head - I didn't want to lose the ideas that Larisa had put into my consciousness, so I went to the computer and started surfing websites of labels I had tried on.

It wasn't until I started to see what the clothes looked like on other people that I started to understand Larisa's ideas about what to put on me. It wasn't that I didn't look good in it, it was that I was just blindered by my own brain.

Oh, thaaat's what the short BCBG sweater looks like on me! Hey, that's not half bad!

Oh. I get it now.

And then I stumbled onto Michael Kors' site. Oh, thaaat's what the zebra coat is for!

Crap. She's right.

I went back the next day and bought the zebra coat.

You know how it is when you get something new, you don't want to get overtired of a good thing, right? Yeah.

I wear it every other day.



Tomorrow I'll write about the snowshoe race - I did awesome - and the makeup lady - pretty cool - and post pictures of me in outfits that Larisa put together for me. I came home with one set of clothes and one set of pre-conceived outfits; she came over today and re-negotiated my wardrobe again. Wow.

now, I sleep.