Adventures in Scotia

I'm finding it difficult to be a tourist.

The sightseeing part is going great. My husband and I lived here together in the early years of our relationship. So, having lived here before, I know where I am most of the time. I can mostly understand what people are saying to me, I understand the vernacular.

The problem is the nutrition. I'm really struggling here.

Don't get me wrong. This is a wondrous country - the bacon, the black pudding, yes I even like haggis. This is technically part of Europe, so we have access to good French bread, cheeses fresh from across the channel and pate. When we lived here I grew to love food fresh from "the continent," so I don't feel at all out of place with the cuisine.

And junk food? Nobody does junk food like the UK. Crisps in every flavour you can think of (grilled steak and onion, chilli and sour cream, hickory smoked ribs, roast chicken and thyme, mature cheddar and red onion chutney), cakes of every kind (shortbread, tarte au citron, eclairs, tartuffo, trifle, lemon curd, pies), treats at the bakers (scotch pies, chicken pies, bridies, sausage rolls). All served with steaming cups of tea.

Coming to Scotland at Christmastime was a stroke of genius where food is concerned - all the best goodies have come out for the season: stilton, ham, lamb, mince pies...

Don't get me started on the cheese. It's been ages since I've had a good and proper locally made strong cheddar, not that weak orange stuff they sell at my local shop. At the grocery stores in the UK there are whole refrigerator aisles devoted to butter, and an entire row of the vegetable section just for potatoes.

Note that I haven't mentioned anything containing complex carbs or green things. These people only like vegetables that are starchy with a capital S: turnips, potatoes, parsnips. It's not for lack of access - lots of the fruit and veg comes from Spain or Egypt - for this place that's not a long journey. Tonight, in fact, I was able to finally find some spinach - from Spain.

Now for the perverse part: If I were vegetarian, this is a country that would truly respect my needs: every menu has a vegetarian section. I think it's a requirement. That in itself is a marvelous thing. Vegetarian, however, does not imply healthy in this country. The problem is that even the vegetarian selections are chock full of trans-fatty acids. When was the last time you had a gardenburger that was breaded and fried?

Yes, welcome to Scotland: home of the Deep Fried Mars Bar (yes, they really exist).

I'm also finding it hard to stay properly hydrated. To take in enough water to be properly hydrated as a walking around all the time tourist, you have to drink a lot (the local water here tastes great, by the way). And when you drink a lot, well, that means you have to get real familiar with the local toilets.

Let me tell you about Scottish toilets...

Have you seen Trainspotting?

As a former local, I'm here to tell you that everything you saw in Trainspotting about public toilets in Scotland is true.

The Loch Ness monster? It does not live in Loch Ness. It lives in a public toilet in Leith.

Anyway.

Triathletes here, I've decided, would have to be really tough. They face a whole lot of impediments that I would never have to: crappy weather, lack of sun in the winter, rain, crappy weather, lack of facilities, Scottish toilets, and wind.

Did I mention the wind? Triathletes here must really fast, because the wind here is all the time constant.

Also, along with the pound/euro/dollar exchange rate, everything has a Value Added Tax (or VAT) of 17.5%. There is no value added to your goods for that tax, but they do get free healthcare here. A full carbon bike would be a luxury I'd never have dreamed of, if we still lived here.

I've been good and have kept running - partly just to take the edge off the trans-fatty acid diet I've had to take on during my holiday (it's a job, but somebody has to), but of course, I have to keep my mileage up for the Rock and Roll Celebrity Fest coming up.

Yeah, it's cold, but it's a wet cold.

Running conditions overall haven't been too hostile. I've been running routes where I can talk to the sheep - it makes for a nice change from talking to coyotes. I like sheep. This part is great.

Soon I'll have eaten so much bacon, however, I may drop dead from heart attack during a run.

I'll just...have another cup of tea.